Late night funnies

Ok, so I have my General Manager's certificate to do tomorrow. At 8:30am!!!!!!! (Why at such an ungodly hour? I try to avoid getting up before 11!) And I can't sleep, so am sitting here eating some yummy fat free ice cream and reading some jokes.
Here are some of the ones I found amusing, for your reading pleasure:

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, snapped-off a fire hydrant and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments, everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the HELL out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

39 things you should have learnt by now... 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often. 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat. 26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings". 27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". 28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 29. You should not confuse your career with your life. 30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 31. Never lick a steak knife. 32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back. 34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 38. Your friends love you anyway. 39 . Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.


The BEST fruitcake receipe
Ingredients: 1 cup water 1 cup sugar 4 large eggs 2 cups dried fruit 1 tsp baking soda 1 tsp salt 1 cup brown sugar lemon juice walnuts 1 litre of brandy
Sample the brandy to check for quality Take a large bowl. Check the bandy again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level up and rink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the brandy is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off ixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner.”If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with A drewscriver. Sample the brandy to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the brandy Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the brandy again. Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway!


After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary." "Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. Ihave lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again." "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Central Otago."


Husband and wife are lying in bed asleep when they hear a loud knock at the door. Wife looks at the clock its 3am she wakes the husband to go to the door. P'd off he runs downstairs,theres a guy standing at the door and he goes "hey bro gizz a push?" The husband says get lost mate its 3am and then he goes back up to bed. He tells the wife it was some idiot who wanted a push but i told him to get lost. The wife makes him feel so mean that he runs back downstairs and opens the door, calls out to the guy and says hey mate sorry i was rude, do you still need a push? The guy says awe yes please bro, so the husband says well where are you, the guy goes, out here on the swing!!!


One fine day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!”


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


The plane's cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant who was obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said through the PA, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people. So, if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."


Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girls' nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst my wife came home with no panties!!""That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her bum that said ... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!'"